D.

we met at a club, through our mutual friends. when they introduced us to one another, you looked at me like you were smitten. what happened to that?
you stuck to me all night long. you kept asking if i was alright, you cared.
we barely knew each other, but we danced really close together, our friends teased us. you were right next to me when they asked us if we were both single and available.
you answered shyly, which i found cute. i was mad at them for making it so awkward between us.
at one point, they left the table, leaving both of us alone. we smiled at each other, awkwardly. then you started to ask me questions, we had small talks.
and then A dared me, if i kissed you, she'd kiss you too. honestly, i don't know what kind of stupid dare that is. to see if i'm brave enough? or did she already know that i'd do it, so she could have a reason to kiss you too?

but we kissed. apparently, we kissed for quite long. i've never told anyone but i remember clearly that when i wanted to pull away, you kissed me again. i liked it. you're a good kisser.
every night before i sleep, i think about it. i don't know what is it about the kiss that makes me feel so.. comfortable. it feels right. it didn't feel weird or awkward or sloppy or anything. it was just nice and it felt right..

what put me off most was how you eagerly went to kiss her too. and according to her, she was the one that pulled away quickly so the kiss was almost like a peck. she even said you used your tongue wtf. but who knows, she might be mistaken. it IS her first real kiss, after all.

which may also be why she might be interested in you. YES i still think so.

i remember, the whole night you kept wanting to dance with me, and at that point, part of me was afraid of you. because you were touchy. and not only with me, but with A too. which was why i really didn't want to dance with you.

nearing the end of the night, my eyes got really irritated from the flashing lights. i had both my palms shielding my eyes from the lights, you were sitting next to me then. you asked if i was alright and i told you the lights were giving me a headache. you asked if i wanna go somewhere else, and i don't know why but i agreed. our friends looked at us like they were worried for me. you held my hand and we started to head for the bar. C stopped me halfway and she asked if i'm comfortable with following you, i said it's fine.

being the nice guy you are, you didn't try anything with me when we were alone. you were just there, making small talks with me, occasionally letting awkward silence slip in. when we went back to our table, they were just staring at us and asking where we went, teasing us and all. it was a fun night, but it had to end.

we needed to get two separate cabs. P, A, R and i were supposed to get in one while you and the other two, in another cab. i could really see that before getting in to our cabs, you wanted to get into ours. but anyways we said our goodbyes, i remember that look in your eyes. i don't know exactly what emotion to point it out as. was it longing? or letting go of something, perhaps? it was something along that line.

when we got back, C told us (A and i) that you were really interested in me, and that you were kinda annoyed at P for not giving up his slot so you could go home in our cab. C even warned me that you were serious about this.

i admit, that night i was kind of appalled. you were being way too touchy for someone i just met. i wouldn't mind if it was just me, because you were apparently interested in me, but ashley too? it just seemed like you were THAT kinda guy. and i was afraid, you barely know me and yet you were SO interested in me. you didn't even know if i'm the type of girl you're looking for. you don't even know what kinda person i am. for all you know, i could really be a rotten egg. and it really got me thinking, if i could catch your interest, what about other girls? do they interest you that easily as well? i'm damn sure that there are prettier girls out there. plus, seeing how you didn't even know me as a person, i guess i can assume that you only liked me for my appearance?

but whatever it was, i gave it a chance. when i got back to A's room, i checked my fb and i saw that you already sent me a friend request. of course i accepted it.

during that night, A asked you if you'd join us for USS the next day. which is also another point that i have been pondering upon, whether A liked you too or not. you agreed to come. even C said you were serious. for some reason, they were trying to shield me from you. i don't know if it was for their benefit or for mine. and i was really looking forward to seeing you the next day too. it'd be nice to spend time with you at USS.

but the next morning you didn't show up. you said you had to accompany your sister. hmm. but deep inside i think i know why you didn't show up. because i didn't reply your message on facebook. i didn't even know that you messaged me on facebook until middle of the day in USS that i wondered why you hadn't dropped me a message at all. it was then when i wanted to message you to say hi, that i clicked on your chat, i saw your message from 3:36AM, last night. and i realized that you already texted me when you were in the cab. perhaps you thought i wasn't interested, that i didn't want to reply you. perhaps that was why you didn't show up.

in that message, you asked me out on a date. well i'd assume so. you asked me to go out with you before i left. so i did. it was hell of a day. i had to help the aunty cross the road, my shoes were giving me killer blisters that bled, i was sweating like mad, i was mad tired from the past two nights. but it was a good day. you paid for all my meals. you even helped me carry that mineral water bottle. you really took care of me. and i kept telling my friends how much of a nice guy you are. you kept insisting on me trying your food because i was only having lychee yogurt. and i remember you even wanted to spoon feed me at one point. when we crossed the road, you put your hand on my back. when crossing another road, you wanted to reach out for my hand and hold it, so i could walk faster because the lights were already flashing. but you didnt. because my hands were busy.
i don't know what got into me, but i got brave. i asked if i could rest on your shoulder.
of course any nice guy would say "go ahead". who would say no? it'd be awkward, right? but i hope it was a sincere "yes". not just a "i'm gonna say yes so it won't be awkward, so yes". i remember that song you kept replaying while i rested. jayesslee's payphone.
you hugged me goodbye. and it was another one of the moments again. it just felt comfortable, it felt right. just like that kiss.

you told me a lot about your family, your mom, your family's business, a little bit about your ex. but you never told me much about your love life. maybe because you didn't want me to judge you.

we talked everyday, we'd flirt around, we'd give each other virtual hugs. you even called me before you boarded the plane to adelaide. you really seemed like you were giving us a chance, you seemed like you wanted things to go further.

but it all stopped. it was slowly dwindling down. until a few days ago, when you totally ignored me. you didn't even wish me a safe flight to bangkok. from wishing me good morning every time you woke up, slowly reducing to occasional "hello"s and "afternoon"s. what happened?

i remember confronting you. you said it was how you cope with homesickness. that you're just being you in aus. and your response time to my messages were considered good.

but you're just a totally different person. either that, or you realized i'm not your type of girl. i'm not the one you want. so you'd just stop here, all at once.

and i'm disappointed, frustrated, annoyed and angry. i get emotionally attached to someone really quickly. should've told you on the first day, huh. "don't get near me if you don't intend to stay".

because i think i've fallen. fallen for you. fallen into this abyss again, where i always wonder why you're not replying me, why you're not texting me, why you're acting like this. why, why, why.

really, D. why? what happened?

i know the truth hurts, but i'd rather be hurt by the truth than be kept in oblivion. i'd rather know why, than keep wondering. i wish i could go up to you and ask you what's wrong, ask you why you're being like this. but i can't. i don't have the rights to. i'm gonna seem clingy, i'm gonna seem like i'm expecting too much from you. i'm gonna seem like i'm expecting you to be mine. no, it's not like that. all i want is just to talk to you day to day, and see if things would naturally improve for us. i just want to give us a chance. i don't expect you to be my bf. i don't expect this to turn out into a relationship. honestly, i'm afraid of falling in love again. but i just want to see if this thing between us is just destined to stay as a friendship or something more. i just want to give it a chance, if there is any.

there are so many questions that i want to ask. are you still interested in me? am i just someone you'd "entertain" out of courtesy? or do you genuinely want to talk to me? why are you ignoring me? what happened? why lead me on and leave me here like this? why are you being hot and cold?

so many questions.. questions that i can't ask. questions i can only keep on wondering every day. because i know if i do ask, i can't take them back, and you'd be afraid of me. but really, i just want to know.

D, i dont know what happened but i hope soon you'll come back. you'll be that nice guy again. you'll care for me again, you'll be nice to me again. you'll wish me good morning again. and you'll talk to me everyday again.

come back, please?

and here comes C.

we had this agreement. no matter what, we'll hopefully stay just friends.
but that's not how it seems these days. you started to sweet talk with me and sometimes when i talk to you, i get this fuzzy warm feeling in my heart.

no, i can't be falling for you.
because we started off with the wrong foot.

don't fall in love with me.

me: the way you treat me has changed. you and i both know it. honestly, i don't like it. at all.
him: o.o
him: sorry ;x

WTF? JUST LIKE THAT? ugh. sorry? sorry with a bleeping emoticon? with a bleeping emoticon that winks?

what is WRONG with him?

guys. always claim that girls are complicated. that girls are hard to figure out.

guess what? doesn't make you all any different okay. i know it's unfair because i'm generalising the entire male species due to one person. BUT STILL. you just don't give a girl hope, make her happy, flirt with her, sweet talk with her, and then just back out like that. example:

week 1:
boy: i wish you were in my car now
girl: lol why?
boy: so that i can spend some quality time with you :)
girl: :)

week 2:
girl: hey i'll be going to singapore for two days tomorrow
boy: okay. will miss you babe <3 :)

week 2.5:
boy: i regret breaking up with you last time, honestly.
girl: lol no point regretting now ma.
boy: why?
girl: because i'm here :)
boy: there's a second chance?
girl: perhaps there is.

week 2.5 and a day:
boy: you were my first girlfriend lol. first love is always the sweetest. i keep telling my friends about you last time haha.

week 2.5 and 2 days:
girl: so who's the one you like now?
boy: guess?
girl: but i don't know your friends lol
boy: i think you know her very well :)
girl: (jokingly) me. :D
boy: O.o
girl: just kidding lah lol
boy: what if it's true?
girl: o.o it is?
boy: lol yeah. i want you to be my girlfriend, but i'm scared.
girl: don't be. i like you too.

week 3 (morning):
boy: good morning baby <3
girl: good morning lol.
boy: what are you doing baby?
girl: i'm at taylor's
boy: oh. if you go to subway right outside, you can see me :D
girl: lol cannot see. you too short, car blocked you :x
boy: no la, you too short cannot see over the car.
girl: baby so mean :(
boy: just kidding la baby :)

week 3 (at night on skype):
boy's sister: i added her on facebook hehe
boy: oh shit, you accepted her?
girl: yeah hahah
boy's sister: OMG she's fat
boy: she can hear you, you know...
girl: ...
boy: ya to be honest, you are a little chubby
girl: shut up.

week 3 and a day:
boy: good morning
girl: morning
boy: are we still going out this saturday?
girl: yeah, why not?
boy: oh okay :)

week 3's saturday:
(boy and girl met. boy talked a lot. girl was bored.)
boy: (opens arms for goodbye hug)
girl: (hugged him)

week 4 and the following weeks:
girl: hi
boy: hi :D
girl: do you still like me?
boy: i like you as a friend :D
girl: no, i mean as in do you still want me to be your girlfriend?
boy: no. sorry.
girl: okay.



see where it all ended? right at the part where the sister said "OMG she's fat".
guess what, felicia. you suck. hehe. because you're bimbotic. your english sucks. you suck at your studies. all you know is how to slut yourself up. and play friends for sale on facebook. *facepalm*
haven't you heard? smart is the new sexy.

i'm sexier than you. much much much sexier than you.

snap out of it already

dear self, please snap out of it and stop hoping for things that are very unlikely to happen.

i have provided a few reasons for you to get over it.

1. he's ugly.
2. he talks like a freak and is weird irl. albeit being charming and attractive online.
3. he's fat.
4. his sister calls you fat.
5. he secretly agrees. _|_
6. you deserve someone who has the balls to ask you to be his girlfriend.
7. you do not deserve a coward.
8. you do not want someone who tells you that he just likes you as a friend but tells your friend that he wants you to be his girlfriend.
9. same as reason 6, i can't help but to emphasize again that you deserve someone who has the guts.
10. you might be leaving to singapore. so if you two DO get together eventually, it's not gonna work because i think singapore has more guys who are better looking and have balls.
11. he flirts with other girls and says he's just playing.
12. whoever flirts 'for fun' are either slutty or unfaithful.
13. you don't even know if he still likes you
14. it looks like he doesn't like you anymore.
15. his phone line is probably unbarred cuz his sister's is unbarred. and he didn't tell you. so maybe he's disinterested.
16. well fuck him then.
17. he's a game freak, no doubt. it's either dota or audition. how about talking on msn with the one you like? no. cuz according to him, that would be considered as 'stoning'.
18. like my dear ashley said, he needs facial treatment. or pimple cream for the matter.
19. dear ashley, please don't screw me and say that i have no taste because i like him.
20. because as you see, the ratio of talking to him online against talking to him irl is 50:1. i'm more exposed to the ONLINE him. so yeah. and i don't usually look at his picture online. thus, i cannot constantly remind myself of how he looks like.
21. he reminds you of a nervous wreck who cannot stop talking and a freak who speaks of things that you have no interest in. like cars. wtf is an audi rx 8 bla bla bla? it's okay if he says it once in awhile because like that you can add in comments like ya, ohhh, i see, kay, cool. if he says it ALL THE TIME, you just keep quite because you can't go 'oh' over and over again.
22. you have no friends in common. which sucks. okay maybe 1. cassie? the one you don't even talk to anymore.
23. you have no common interests. trust me, you really don't. stop forcing yourself.
24. you have to enjoy being single. you can flirt all you want and no one will get mad at you for that.
25. you have to be heartless. stop committing to things so easily. your feelings will only get hurt and wasted in the end.
26. wow i feel so much better already.
27. again, his sister is a bitch who is materialistic. a bitch who goes 'OMG SHE'S FAT' when she looks like a hippopotamus herself if not for the make up. she looked like a fuckin dinosaur few years back. UGLY PEOPLE HAVE NO RIGHTS TO DISS. eh, what does it have to do with the sister? because if you and howard get together (which is very very VERY unlikely), she'll probably tag along like she always tags along with him. then she'll probably shoot you with bitchy glares and you'll probably counter that with your coach bag. but nooo. she'll counter counter you with her LV NEVERFULL BAG. pwned.
28. he makes you weird. weirdness spreads.
29. 28 reasons not enough? no. of course not.
30. he maybe be oh-so-faithful (as he claimed he is) but i think he has proved himself wrong. HOW IS HE FAITHFUL WHEN HE TREATS YOU LIKE RUBBISH NOW?
31. ask yourself why do you like him in the first place. because he can drive? maybe. because he's rich? hell yeah. because he's charming? *cough* online, yes. real life? errr, i don't think so. because he's handsome? no, duh. because he's your dream guy? my dream guy should be a witty person, handsome, charming, rich, sugar, spice and everything nice. looks like he has only fulfilled 1.5 of the requirements. so, no. then why the fuck are you so upset over him?
32. you must be desperate. not good. i know staying single is hard because this is the first time eversince you're 13. poor you.
33. he's fat. hahaha i can't help but say it again.
34. UGLY.. MONSTROUS.. he's photogenic, i must say. looks a tad better in facebook.
35. he embarrasses you even more when you've already embarrassed yourself enough.
36. he's AFRAID to be with you. wtf? what kind of a guy would be afraid?
37. his last girlfriend was you. yes. it has been that long. doesn't it show how much he's unwanted by the society already?
38. you don't go for rejects. you just don't.
39. SO WHAT IF HE'S RICH?!
40. i know i'm being very repetitive. hehe. those of you who're reading this probably thinks that i'm a bitch who bitches about guys when they don't fall in love with me. yeah i am. fear me.
41. he said he regrets breaking up and indirectly asked for a second chance. second chance given but he just threw it aside like that. DO YOU LOOK LIKE A FIRST AID KIT TO HIM? ONLY THERE WHEN HE NEEDS YOU? no. you're no first aid kit and you will not be there even when he needs you. if he's bleeding, you don't be his bandage. you'll just watch him bleed to death.
42. no, this is not when love turns into hatred. i've never loved him.
43. i still don't get how a monster can affect you so much that i have to come up with more than 43 reasons for you to get over it.
44. JUST LOOK AT HIS FACE. JESUS, ISN'T THAT ENOUGH OF A REASON FOR YOU TO GET OVER HIM?
45. okay, last one. he now probably thinks he's too good for you because you're clinging onto him like a sloth clings onto a tree. he's probably playing hard to get. hate guys like that, seriously. whatever it is, he obviously doesn't appreciate your attention and probably just layan you out of kindness.

dear self, whenever you feel like you're not good enough for him, refer to this list of 45 reasons. he's the one who's not good enough for YOU. :)

life's like that. get over it. move. on.


p/s : i know there are many grammatical mistakes and spelling mistakes and whatnot. i'm sorry, but as a normal person, i can't type properly when i'm frustrated. nor think of proper sentence structures.